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nosurrender

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    Estrogen and   Women

 

 PART ONE: 

 

    PREGNANCY Q & A

 

    Q: Should I have a baby after 35?

    A: No, 35 children is enough.

 

    Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?

     A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.

 

    Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
 
    A: Childbirth.

 
    Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.

     A: So what's your question?

 

    Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
 

    A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

 

    Q: When is the best time to get an epidural ?
 

    A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.

 

    Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?

    A: Not unless the word 'alimony' means anything to you.

 

    Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?

    A: Yes, pregnancy.

 

    Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?

    A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.

 

    Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?

     A: When the kids are in college.

 part 2

    'ESTROGEN ISSUES'

 

    10 WAYS TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE 'ESTROGEN ISSUES'

 

    1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.

 

    2. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet.

 

    3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.

 

    4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.

 

    5. You 're using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker that says: 'How's my driving-call 1- 800-'.

 

    6. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.

 

    7. Everyone seems to have just landed here from 'outer space.'

 

    9. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.

 

    10. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.

 

part 3

    TOP TEN THINGS ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND

 

    10. Cats' facial expressions.

 

    9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors.

 

    8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds.

 

    7. Fat clothes.

 

    6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time.

 

    5. The difference between beige, ecru, cream, off-white, and eggshell.

 

    4. Cutting your hair to make it grow.

 

    3. Eyelash curlers.

 

    2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.

 

    AND, the Number One thing only women understand :

 

    1. OTHER WOMEN

 

   



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nosurrender

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Last weekend I put an exhaust fan in the ceiling for my wife's grandfather.  While my wife's brother and I were fitting the fan in between the joists, we found something under the insulation. What we found was this:



A JC Penney catalog from 1977. It's not often blog fodder just falls in my lap, but holy hell this was two solid inches of it, right there for the taking. I thumbed through it quickly and found my next dining room set, which is apparently made by adding upholstery to old barrels:



Also, I am totally getting this for my bathroom:



There's plenty more home furnishings where those came from, however I'm not going to bore you with that. Instead, I'm going to bore you with something else. The clothes.

The clothes are fantastic.

 
Here's how to get your butt kicked in elementary school:



Just look at that belt. It's like a boob-job for your pants. He probably needed help just to lift it into place. The belt loops have to be three inches long. And way to pull them up to your armpits, grandpa. 

 
 
Here's how to get your butt kicked in high school:



This kid looks like he's pretending to be David Soul, who is pretending to be a cop who is pretending to be a pimp that everyone knows is really an undercover cop. Who is pretending to be 15. 

 
Here's how to get your butt kicked on the golf course:



This "all purpose jumpsuit" is, according to the description, equally appropriate for playing golf or simply relaxing around the house. Personally, I can't see wearing this unless you happen to be relaxing around your cell in D-block. Even then, the only reason you should put this thing on is because the warden made you, and as a one-piece, it's slightly more effective as a deterrent against ass-rapery. 

 
Here's how to get your butt kicked pretty much anywhere:



If you look at that picture quickly, it looks like Mr. Bob "No-pants" Saget has his hand in the other guy's pocket. In this case, he doesn't, although you can tell just by looking at them that it's happened - or if it hasn't happened it will. Oh yes. It will. As soon as he puts down his matching coffee cup. 

 
Here's how to get your butt kicked at the beach:



He looks like he's reaching for a gun, but you know it's probably just a bottle of suntan lotion in a holster. 

 
How to get your butt kicked in a meeting:



If you wear this suit and don't sell used cars for a living, I believe you can be fined and face serious repercussions, up to and including termination. Or imprisonment, in which case you'd be forced to wear that orange jumpsuit. 

 
How to get your butt kicked on every day up to and including St. Patrick's Day



Dear god in heaven, I don't believe that color exists in nature. There is NO excuse for wearing either of these ensembles unless you're working as a body guard for the Lucky Charms leprechaun.

In this next one, Your Search For VALUE Ends at Penneys.



As does your search for chest hair.

 
And this -- Seriously. No words.



Oh wait, it turns out that there are words after all. Those words are What. The. H***
 . I'm guessing the snap front gives you quick access to the chest hair. The little tie must be the pull tab. 
 
Also, judging by the sheer amount of matching his/hers outfits, I'm guessing that in 1977 it was considered pretty stylish for couples to dress alike. These couples look happy, don't they?




 
 
I am especially fond of this one, which I have entitled "Cowboy Chachi Loves You Best."


 
 
And nothing showcases your everlasting love more than the commitment of matching bathing suits. That, and a blonde girl with a look on her face that says "I love the way your junk fights against that fabric."


 
 
 
 

Then, after the lovin', you can relax in your one-piece matching terry cloth jumpsuits:


 
 
I could go on, but I'm tired, and my eyes hurt from this trip back in time. I think it's the colors. That said, I will leave you with these tasteful little numbers:



Man, that's sexy.
 
   


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AlaskaDeb

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Reply with quote  #3 
Can everyone else see the above pictures?  I can't...

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Bren

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Reply with quote  #4 

No can see either!

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Reply with quote  #5 

No Deb, me either but it sounded like it would be funny!  LOL


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CommandoBarbie

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Reply with quote  #6 
I couldnt see them with Internet Explorer or Firefox, but I could with Safari. Hilarious! I especially liked the Toni Tennille hair cuts at the end!
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Reply with quote  #7 
That was 1977 alright! I swear to ya'll I had that white pants suit and a red sweater. It was  the THING to wear...those legs were big enough and the best thing abt all of this...SIZE 10! Do not think that you could wipe a spot with polyester..not cotton,for sure! Cool and easy to wash,though!

Those were the days my friend,the legs would never end(or bend),
we'd wear that polyester for a while,everyone would always smile and wear it for many a mile....for we were the seventies with baggy,saggy knees!

(apologies to Mary Hopkins for her "Those Were The Days My Friend"



Iris-angel


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Reply with quote  #8 
Iris, very funny.

I can't see the images either but I think I might've been the one that emailed them originally, not sure, but I did see them a day or so ago. And it IS funny.
lizws

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Reply with quote  #9 

 "Hello, is this the Sheriff's Office?"

"Yes. What can I do for you?"

"I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Virgil Smith....He's hidin' marijuana inside his firewood! Don't quite know how he gets it inside them logs, but he's hidin' it there."

"Thank you very much for the call, sir."

The next day, the Sheriff's Deputies descend on Virgil's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept.
Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They sneer at Virgil and leave.

Shortly, the phone rings at Virgil's house.

"Hey, Virgil! This here's Floyd....Did the Sheriff come?"

"Yeah!"

"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yep!"

"Happy Birthday, buddy!"


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lizws

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Salesman in OK.

 
A young guy from Oklahoma moves to California and goes to a big everything under one roof department store looking for a job.
 
The manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"
 
The kid says, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Oklahoma ."
 
Well, the boss liked the kid so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow I'll come down after we close and see how you did." His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many sales did you make today?" The kid says, "One."
 
The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. You're going to have to improve considerably or look for another job! How much was the sale for?" The kid says, "$112,237.64." The boss says, "$112,237.64?! What the hell did you sell?!" Kid says, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the lake, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a new bass boat. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that new Ford pick-up. I asked him how long he was going to be out at the lake and after he said 5 or 6 days so I took him down to the RV department and sold him a slide-in camper for the truck." The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat, a truck and a camper?" Kid says, "No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said, 'Well, your weekend's shot, you might as well go fishing.'"

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Marsha

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Reply with quote  #11 

Liz.............. ROTFLMAO  Good ones!!!


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Reply with quote  #12 

 A couple of riddles

This is an unusual paragraph. I'm curious how quickly you can find out what is so unusual about it? It looks so plain you would think nothing was wrong with it! In fact, nothing is wrong with it! It is unusual though. Study it, and think about it, but you still may not find anything odd. But if you work at it a bit, you might find out!

How can you throw a ball as hard as you can and have it come back to you, even if it doesn't hit anything, there is nothing attached to it, and no one else catches or throws it?


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