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FLLoriK

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Reply with quote  #21 

where do you find these? they are great!

wildabouthorses

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Reply with quote  #22 

I have 4 people who email me this stuff!


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Jan
"Photographers see more than others, not because they have better eyes, but because their eyes are always open."
wildabouthorses

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Reply with quote  #23 
My husband and I divorced over religious differences.
He thought he was God, and I didn't.
------------------------------------------------------------
Marriage is a three-ring circus:
Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.
------------------------------------------------------------
For Sale :
Wedding dress, size 8.
Worn once. . .  by mistake.
-------------------------------------- ---------------------
There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman:
Before marriage and after marriage.

------------------------------------------------------------
Why are hurricanes usually named after women?
Because when they arrive, they're wet and wild, but when they go, they take your house and car.
------------------------------------------------------------
< /FONT>

The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed way too qualified for the job.
"Look Miss," said the foreman, "have you any actual experience in picking lemons?"
"Well, as a matter of fact, yes!" she replied.  "I've been divorced three times."
------------------------------------------------------------
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the l ast 40 years.
The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."
The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."
------------------------------------------------------------
I was in the express lane at the store quietly fuming. Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries.
Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward looked into the cart and asked sweetly, "So which six items would you like to buy?"
Wouldn't it be great if that happened more often?
------ ------------------------------------------------------
Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my elderly neighbor and his wife were told there would be a 45-minute wait for a table. "Young man, we're both 90 years old," the husband said . "We may not have 45 minutes."
They were seated immediately.
------------------------------------------------------------
The reason congressmen try so hard to get re-elected is that they would hate to have to make a living under the laws they've passed.
------------------------------------------------------------
All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle.  They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her father, and placed something in his hand.
The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter.  Even the priest smiled broadly, as her father gave her away in marriage.
The bride had given her father 
back his credit card.
------------------------------------------------------------
Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax, and get used to the idea.
------------------------------------------------------------
Three friends from the local congregation were asked, "When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?"

Artie said: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man."

Eugene commented: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives."

Al said: "I'd like them to say, "Look, he's moving!"
------------------------------------------------------------
Smith climbs to the top of Mt.Sinaito get close enough to talk to God.

Looking-up, he asks the Lord... "God, what does a million years mean to you?"
The Lord replies, "A minute."
Smith asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?"
The Lord replies, "A penny."
Smith asks, "Can I have a penny?"
The Lord replies, "In a minute."
------------------------------------------------------------
A man goes to a shrink and says, "Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me.  Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks-up men.  In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her!  I'm going crazy.  What do you think I should do?"
"Relax," says the Doctor, "take a deep breath, and calm down. Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry's bar?"
------------------------------------------------------------
John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully.
"Give me one last request, dear," he said.
"Of course, John," his wife said s oftly.
"Six months after I die," he said, "I want you to marr y B ob."
"But I thought you hated Bob," she said.
With his last breath, John said, "I do!"
------------------------------------------------------------
A man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening, and I have to talk to you about it."
The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"
The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"
The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?"
The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what.  Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out, and I'll let you know."
A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours.  You want my advice?"  The man said yes, and the Rabbi repl ied, "Take the poison."

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Jan
"Photographers see more than others, not because they have better eyes, but because their eyes are always open."
wildabouthorses

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Reply with quote  #24 

WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST

She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.

 
Keep reading-they get better!!!

 


 
WOMEN'S REVENGE
'Cash, check or charge?' I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.
As she fumbled for her wallet , I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
'So, do you always carry your TV remote?' I asked.
'No,' she replied, 'but my husband refused to come shopping with me,
and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally.'

 

 

 


 
UNDERSTANDING WOMEN
(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)
I know I'm not going to understand women.
I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax,
pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root,
and still be afraid of a spider.

 

 

 


 
MARRIAGE SEMINAR
While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication,
Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor,
'It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes.'
He addressed the man,
'Can you name your wife's favorite flower?'
Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, 'It's Pillsbury, isn't it?

 

 

 


 
CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles.
The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.
She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused, 'Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?
He answers, 'You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store
to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco
and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper.
So, I figure if I have to roll my own .......... so does she.
(I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton!)

 

 

 


 
WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and
neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,
the husband asked sarcastically, 'Relatives of yours?'
'Yep,' the wife replied, 'in-laws.'

 

 

 


 
WORDS
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day...
30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, 'The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, 'What?'

 

 

 


 
CREATION
A man said to his wife one day, 'I don't know how you can be
so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.
'The wife responded, 'Allow me to explain.
God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;
God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you !

 

 

 


 
WHO DOES WHAT
A man and his wife were having an argument about who
should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, 'You should do it because you get up first,
and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee.
The husband said, 'You are in charge of cooking around here and
you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.'
Wife replies, 'No, you should do it, and beside s, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee.'
Husband replies, 'I can't believe that, show me.'
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says . 'HEBREWS'

 

 

 


 
The Silent Treatment
A man and his wife were having some problems at home
and were giving each other the silent treatment.
Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him
at 5:0 0 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,
'Please wake me at 5:00 AM .' He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him,
when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
The paper said, 'It is 5:00 AM . Wake up.'
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

 

 

 


 
God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece

__________________
Jan
"Photographers see more than others, not because they have better eyes, but because their eyes are always open."
wildabouthorses

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Reply with quote  #25 

 Well, Packer fans it's that time of year again.

 

  Q: Why do the trees in Wisconsin lean to the south?

   A: Because Minnesota blows and Chicago sucks.

 

   Q: What is the difference between a Bear fan and a

 baby?

   A: The baby will stop whining after awhile.

 

   Q: What do you call a male Viking fan in a room full

 of beautiful

 women?

   A: Invisible.

 

   Q: What do Viking fans miss most about a great

 party?

   A: The invitation.

 

   Q: What's the difference between Cheerios and the

 Chicago Bears?

   A: Cheerios belong in a bowl.

 

   Q: Why can't a Chicago Bear get into his own

 driveway?

   A: Someone painted an end zone on it.

 

   Q: What do you call a sober Viking fan?

   A: A liar.

 

   Q: Why is the bears quarterback unable to answer a

 telephone?

   A: He can't find the receiver.

 

   Q: What's the difference between a dead Packer fan

 lying in the road

 and a

   dead Bears fan lying in the road?

   A: There are skid marks in front of the Packer fan.

 

   Q: Why wasn't Jesus born in Minnesota?

   A: Because God couldn't find three wise men.

 

   Q: What do you call it when a Viking fan wears green

 and gold?

   A: Artificial intelligence.

 

   Q: Why is it a good idea to bring a Bear fan along

 to a Packer game?

   A: You can park in the handicap zone.

 

   Q: How many people does it take to change a light

 bulb at Soldier

 Field?

   A: Three. One to change it and two to talk about how

 good the old one

 was.

 

   Q: Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, a dumb Bear fan,

 and a smart Bear

 fan

 

 are walking down the street when they spot a $10 bill.

 Who picks it up?

 

   A: None of them. There is no such thing as Santa

 Claus, the Tooth

 Fairy,

   or a smart Bear fan...and the dumb Bear fan thought

 it was a gum

 wrapper.


__________________
Jan
"Photographers see more than others, not because they have better eyes, but because their eyes are always open."
wildabouthorses

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Posts: 1,895
Reply with quote  #26 
Love and Marriage

Love and Marriage

Love is holding hands in the street
Marriage is holding arguments in the street

Love is dinner for 2 in your favorite restaurant
Marriage is a Chinese take-out

Love is cuddling on a sofa
Marriage is deciding on a sofa

Love is talking about having children
Marriage is talking about getting away from children

Love is going to bed early
Marriage is going to sleep early

Love is losing your appetite
Marriage is losing your figure

Love is sweet nothings in the ear
Marriage is sweet nothings in the bank

Love is a flickering flame
Marriage is a flickering television

Love is 1 drink and 2 straws
Marriage is "Don't you think you've had enough

__________________
Jan
"Photographers see more than others, not because they have better eyes, but because their eyes are always open."
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